Seventh Regret Its All About Time
by Kris1907
Summary: Part 3 of 4. The Seventh Regret series takes John/Marlena through a reunion and the bittersweet conversation of 'What if' In this story, John left town in 93, rather than Marlena stopping him on the plane, years later they bump into each other.


_It's All About Time_

"… must leave it up to time."

Howard Hawkes

1943

Emotionless. That's how I feel right now. Emotionless and helpless. I don't even truly know why I am here. Well, I do. How could I not come? Mrs. Horton is… was… well, she just is Salem. She was everybody's grandmother, no matter your age. She was timeless. And she was just always suppose to be around.

I took that for granted. This entire freakin' town took that for granted. We have just always expected her to be there, in the kitchen, ready with some tea and a friendly ear. We took so much from her and rarely gave anything back. Is that how she wanted it? I wonder, did she ever feel unappreciated? And what about me? The jerk who just left. She helped me so much, especially when we were neighbors. Especially when I lost Marlena and had three children to raise. Always there. Always a consummate supporter.

Stepping out of the shadows of the back of the church, I move across the grounds, towards a young lady who is looking mighty small right now. My arms wrap around her and I pull her tightly back against my chest, "How are you doing sweetie?"

I flinch as I feel her hands grip my arm so tightly that her nails are digging into my skin, "I don't know how to feel right now."

"Yeah, I know what you mean sweetie." Sami stays silent and I rest my head upon hers. We both just stare out over the hollow grounds. I watch as people circle her casket slowly, laying flowers, notes or just a comforting hand upon the wood.

"Why do they do that?"

"Do what?"

One hand leaves mine as she points towards the people surrounding the gravesite, "Why do they place a hand on the casket? Its not like Mrs. Horton knows or that you can give her comfort now."

"I think…" I pause. I was just thinking that same thing myself. Now I need to be parental. "I think it's more for themselves, rather than Mrs. H. Humans seem to need physical actions, like touching something, for it to be real. They touch the casket not so much to give her peace, but to show themselves that she is, sadly, gone."

"So they are trying to comfort themselves."

"Yeah."

"John, I don't know what to do without her. I've lost so many people. Dealt with mom being taken, then you left, Andrew's death, now dad is gone and Eric and Carrie have moved away, and now I don't even have Mrs. H. "

So much information there. So much pain and hurt in such a short life. It's just not fair. I rub her arms, attempting to give her some sort of comfort, at the very least, let her know that I am here for her. "Sweetheart, I am here for you. I always have been, I hope you know that. And you're dad, he'll be back soon, I'm sure. But time, time equals change." I look down around her, attempting to see a portion of her profile, "I think I gave you that complex."

"Which?"

"Not liking change."

"Tell me about it."

I laugh lightly at her response, but it dies in my throat. "Your mom always handled things as they came, never looked back. Me, however, I was always looking back. Always wondering what if and I never liked things to change. I didn't like dealing with new situations. Wanted everything and every person to remain one hundred percent the same."

"Would be nice if it worked that way, huh?"

"I always thought so, but sometimes, change is good. It's just up to us to find the good in it."

"And where is the good in this?" I hear the edge creeping into her voice and I know I won't have a decent response to the logic and the truth and the emotions she is about to dish my way. "Where is the good in Mrs. Horton getting so sick? Suffering for so long, but never letting on. The good in Andrew getting hit by that car? Eric being so sick of home that he ran far away, leaving me behind? Carrie needing space that she left? You ditching us and leaving us to a screwed up life? Mom always so sad and in so much emotional pain?"

Her rant continues, until I finally turn her in my arms and just squeeze the life out of her. I always knew she was hurting, but I wasn't here, so I didn't have to look in her eyes and see it all. Easier to convince yourself that life is fine without you, when you don't have to see the damage first hand. "Shh… it's okay. It's okay to cry Samantha. It's okay to miss her. It's even okay to be mad."

She cries into my shirt, I close my eyes and just focus on my skin and how it feels to have her tears soak my shirt. Together we stand. I rock her gently, back and forth, just like I use to do when she was a kid. As she pulls away from me, I kiss her forehead and wipe her cheeks. "I'm going to go find Eric. You… you won't leave without saying goodbye, right?"

I smile at her hiccups. My God, she looks just like she is seven all over again. "Wouldn't dream of it."

She slides me a soft "Thanks" before moving across the grass and towards the crowd of people. I'm not so sure where I should go. I already did my friendly circle earlier today. Said hello, did the small chit chat and I'm sure I'll be doing some more of it later today. Right now… right now I would just like to sit.

I move down a path and walk around a section of old tomb stones. The years in this section date back to the seventeen-hundreds. Over on the other side of the hill, they date back even further. I move quickly, checking over my shoulder to make sure that nobody is following. The path curves to the left and finally comes to an end by a large Oak Tree.

Standing next to the tree, I allow myself to slide down and simply collapse on the ground. I don't have the energy to stand anymore. Elbow on knee, I allow my head to lazily lean against my hand as I look at the ground in front of me. I can see the outline because the grass is just a slightly richer shade of green than the surrounding area.

My mind shifts from one thought to another. To time that has gone by to my future. My thoughts mainly shift from nothing at all, to where my life has gone so wrong.

I hear the crunching of grass and sticks and I know who it is. I don't need to look up, "How did you find me?"

Marlena finishes her journey and takes a seat next to me. "I watched you leave the funeral. Followed the path. Not too many men sitting in random places in the cemetery." I nod, but say no more. I have nothing to say. "Why are… what made you come here?"

"Spent a lot of time here once. Just didn't know where else to go."

She leans forward. I know she is trying to see my face, so I help her out and look her way. I see the confusion. "Why would you spend time here?"

"You don't know?" Well, this is awkward to say the least. I point towards the brighter green grass, "Um. This is where, uh. Well, when I thought you had been killed, this is where we buried…" Can't say you. "Your casket." That's lame.

"Oh." Good response. Her tone and the situation make me laugh. She joins me, "Wow, this is very… weird. Not sure how I feel about such news."

"I picked it out carefully, in case you are wondering." She simply looks at me. Her bottom lip drops low, allowing her mouth to hang slightly open and she attempts a response. I laugh rather roughly, "Sorry. Bad joke."

"You seem to be filled with them today."

"You're not still mad about that, are you?"

I turn my head to look at her, well more stare at her. I need to know that I didn't offend her or make her mad earlier today with my comments. "No, I'm not. It's just hard, you know? For everybody because you're…"

Tilting her chin up so that she is looking at me, "I'm what?"

"You're darker than you use to be."

"Darker?"

I know my eyebrow rose at that question and I can't hold back a soft smile as her finger tips gently run over it, "Bitter. Angry. Cynical. Things that you never were before. We all forget time has gone by and that we are all very different people now. They just…" She shrugs to finish off her thought.

"Were taken by surprise. I'm sorry. I'll try to keep the jokes under control."

"You're hurting, it's understandable. You're hurting more than anybody here, in some ways."

"Doc, please. Don't- don't try to explain it all away. I rather like the pain. Makes me feel alive." I see her reaction to that comment and I smile, "No I'm not suicidal. No need to use your shrink skills on me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am." Leaning back against the tree, I close my eyes briefly and let a yawn escape my lips. "You only need to use your skills on people who aren't willing to open up. I'll tell you anything you want, just not sure you care to hear it all."

"Such as?"

"Oh no, doesn't work that way. I don't just give out my emotional autobiography."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." She turns and slides back towards me and the tree. Her body rests half on my shoulder and half against the bark. And we sit. Nothing more really. I'm staring at the place that use to hold a gravestone with her name on it and she is staring off down a well-walked path.

I can't seem to help the yawns. Been a long couple of days. I got the news of Alice Horton's death and froze. I can't imagine a world without such a gifted and wonderful woman in it. Then came the decision of returning or not. How could I not, so I made the right choice, right? If I had stayed behind, what would people have thought? I've only been back here a handful of times in the past thirteen years. Didn't plan on returning again until next year, for Sami's graduation.

Amazing how life is never on your side. It always has its own agenda. I hemmed and hawed over the decision and finally caught the last possible plane at the last possible moment. Still not sure if I regret coming or not. Been too weird. Everybody staring at me. Everybody asking the same three questions and I still have no good answer to any of them. I'm not suppose to be the centre of attention.

Everything is just so fucked up.

"Looks like you need a nap."

"I'm halfway there."

"I do want to thank you for coming. For… for dealing with me this morning and with Sami. This has been hard on her."

"On you both. On the town really."

I feel her head nod, but I still can't convince myself to open my eyes. That will just take too much energy. "Yeah, she has had a wonderful life and she definitely deserves the rest. It just won't be the same without her. We will all make so many mistakes without her perfect advice."

"Oh, she'll still be giving it out. We just need to listen harder now."

"True. John,"

"Yeah?"

"About before, I really am grateful. I didn't mean to break down like that."

My hand moves towards her and after a moment of fumbling, I locate her leg and give it a comforting squeeze. "It seemed like you needed to do that long ago."

"Perhaps, I just didn't have a shoulder to so it on."

"So it's true, about Roman? He really has jumped ship?"

Marlena tucks her legs up under her chin, causing my hand to fall off and I'm unsure whether or not I should replace it. For now I let it sit on the ground, feeling the overly dried out dirt. "Old news."

"How old?"

"Well, he basically moved out about two years ago, just before we ran into each other in Oklahoma. But for years before that, he was never home and before that, when he was home, we would just argue or ignore each other."

"Wh… you… fuck." That's about all I have this afternoon. I had no idea. All this time and I didn't have a clue. Ain't that just shitty? My eyes open and I readjust myself slightly, so that I can get a look at her, "You never said anything."

"John, this is my third time seeing you in thirteen years, when would we have had this chat? Besides, I figured the kids were telling you everything."

"And you think that that kind of news wouldn't have received some type of response from me?"

"Well, I just sent him the papers a few months back. We were married, he just choose not to be a part of the marriage anymore. And well, that was okay with me."

"Okay with you? What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't know." She buries her face in her hands and lets out a harsh breath, "I can't explain it, I just felt that way. Fell out of love or just wasn't getting what I needed. I really don't know and once the kids were all off on their own, I just decided it was time to refocus."

"So have you, refocused?"

"Mentally, yes." She looks over at me and gives me the most adorable, yet wicked smile I have ever seen, "I just haven't physically done anything. Easier to think it, than to act it out, right?"

"So what is it that the good doctor wants?"

"Have you ever thought about moving back to Salem?"

"Just about everyday since I left, why?"

She pushes off of my shoulder to stand up. I watch as she wipes off her butt and I don't have the heart to tell her that the dirt smudge will need a little more help than a light swat to be removed. But Marlena is nervous and I am not quite sure why. My heart is pounding a little faster, anticipating something. Just not sure what that might be.

Turning her back to me, I stare at her and wait, until finally she speaks, "You mentioned earlier to somebody about rewriting the past and I have spent so many nights attempting to do that. And I realized that you can't rewrite it, it's already written into time and the only thing that I can do, is try to write a better future. And this morning, I thought I saw you out in the church yard, over by the gardens." She laughs and turns to look at me, "At the time I thought I was going mad, but when I heard your voice and watched you do that manly hit and hug movement with Abe, I realized what I needed. Are we…"

She's crying. When did that happen? I quickly move to my feet and pull her into my arms. She doesn't hesitate. Just like earlier today, she so easily melted into me and allowed me to comfort her. Sometimes, some feelings I guess will never change. No matter how much time and how many miles separate us. Rubbing her back, "What is this about?"

"Oh John…" I've missed that. I kiss her hair and wait for her to calm down. Her crying isn't hysterical by any means, just constant tears and a slight hiccup. "Are we going to do this the rest of our lives?"

I allow her to pull back slightly, but I don't let her go, "Do what?"

I hate making her say it, but I'm not positive that we are talking about the same thing, "Dance around each other? Are we going to keep allowing fate to bump us together for ten minutes every couple of years and do nothing about it? Someday one of us will be showing up to the other's funeral. I don't want to be a stranger, a friend from the past."

"Doc, what is…" I was going to ask what this is all about, but I know. I'm not stupid. I have been thinking the same things, "I dunno." That is my honest answer.

"Are we hopeless?"

"There is always hope Doc. We've just got to try harder. I'll visit more and you can come out to London to see me. I don't know, start a tradition or something. Take the kids and we will all meet up somewhere, rent a cabin." I sound like some horrid B Movie right now.

And she isn't buying a damn word of it, "John, we know that won't happen. Look at us, two years went by without a word. You sneak around to see the kids and I never call. Haven't you ever truly wanted to try again? Fix some mistakes? Sit down and really talk things out, perhaps… well try again."

"Yeah. Honestly, you bet I have thought about it. Imagined it. Dreamed it and recreated it so many times that some mornings I wake up and can't be sure if it happened or not. But Doc, I can't go back."

"I'm not asking you to. I want to try to heal some of the past, but move forward. Move on. Find that better future."

I close my eyes and try so hard not to laugh, but it doesn't seem to be working. "Doc, this isn't some cheesey romance movie, this is real life."

"John, don't be cruel."

"I'm not, dear God, I'm not trying to be. But listen to yourself. Listen to me. We are trying to live the ending to any romantic film or Broadway musical. It's not real."

"Why can't it be?"

"Because, as I said, I can't go back."

Now she is getting angry. I can see her eyes grow dark, "And I am not asking you to! I don't know if I made a mistake back then. I don't know if I had chosen the other way that things would have worked out better. I don't know anything, I can't fix it and I am finally coming to grips with that. Roman never could. I finally am. John-" She pulls at my shoulder, trying to get me to turn around, "Look at me John. Why can't we try?"

"Because that was a long time ago. Too much has happened, too many feelings gone or lost."

"I'm not talking about falling into bed with each other-"

"No, that would be the easy part."

Her glare stops me cold, "Stop trying to hide behind your cynicism. This is our chance, to try and right some of the bad feelings we have created. We could simply start by becoming friends again. See what there is left."

"I can't do it Marlena."

"You won't even try?"

"I can't come back here. I finally did exactly what you asked of me, I finally found a home. I moved back to my little cottage with neighbors that I know and look out for me. Have this little lady who brings me over a pie and tomatoes every Tuesday. I've searched too long for some sort of peace to give that up." I move towards her, lean down and give her a soft kiss on her cheek. I can feel her tears mixing with a few of my own. I whisper "I'm sure you understand" into her ear, before I step around her. She attempts to hold me there, by hooking her finger into the belt loop of my pants, but finally she lets go and I walk away.

One step in front of the other. I move back up the path, leaving her there with the brighter green grass in the faded outline of a grave. I should regret this action. Maybe I will someday, but for right now, I don't.

It was a nice idea though,

I don't regret anything about this moment as I head back up towards the church. It's a mere matter of time. Life is about time. Healing is about time.

It's all about time.


End file.
